What am I doing?
Recently, I’ve been feeling a bit lost. A feeling of not really knowing what I’m doing in life and if what I’m doing in life is the right thing.
When I feel like this I constantly find myself asking the question…
“Is this what I’m meant to be doing?”
I then think perhaps if I get a ‘muggle/normal’ job, I might feel not so lost anymore. A stable income and a stable schedule.
But would I be happy?
NO!!! Absolutely not!
I’ve had ‘muggle’ jobs, I’ve been in the rat race, working 9-5 (and then some!) for someone who doesn’t really care about me or even know who I am and who ultimately is the only one genuinely profiting from this scenario. All sense of my art squashed for a pay check that only sees me through to the end of the month.
Working for myself means I can do what I want when I want. I can take the jobs I want, work with the people I want to work with, balance my work and leisure time better than I ever could being on someone else’s clock.
I have to remind myself of this in my moments of darkness and doubt.
There are also moments that reaffirm the path I have chosen in life. Just like last Saturday, I had an audition and this audition reminded me that this is why I chose to pursue my vocation as my career.
Not only did the audition give me a chance to act, but also being in the room, collaborating with other creatives, being vulnerable and open, it confirmed once again my calling in life.
The buzz I get from acting is indescribable … why would I want to give that up for a life that might give me some stability, but ultimately would make me miserable and not very abundant in life?
So, when I feel fear next time... and there will be a next time, I have to remind myself of moments like this one.
Take a deep breath, be brave and have faith that it will all work out.